Crass-assed Pass

Posted on Tue Dec 25th, 2012 @ 4:47pm by Lieutenant Jonathan "Jack" Mantell & Captain Nathan Cowell MD

Mission: Funzone
Location: Bridge, USS Arizona
Timeline: Following "Minutes of the Meeting..." and "Meeting the Old Man"

The bridge of the USS Arizona was, like the rest of her, huge. The last time he had served on a ship with a bridge this size was his first assignment, the Ambassador-class USS Excalibur, so many decades ago. Jack couldn't say he much missed much about that era, besides the red, double-breasted uniforms. The boy didn't care what anyone else thought, those were far classier than the technicolor pajamas that replaced them.

As it was, the Miran youth adjusted the shirt of his modern uniform. The quilted plaiting of the shoulders seemed to bear down on his small frame, the collar seemed just a bit too tight. Was it just him, or was it getting warm in here? Perhaps it was simply nervousness, after all his last commander had hated the very fabric of his illogical being. Jack wasn't exactly certain who he was reporting to, but someone had mentioned that the new CO had already arrived. He'd held off reporting in long enough, it seemed that it was time to meet his new captain.

Stepping forward onto the bridge, his eyes fixated first onto the dual Conn/Ops consoles at the front. Oh yes, Starfleet preferred its capital ships to have its eyes and feet at the front of the bridge. Something inside the boy wanted to rush forward and start playing with the controls, to get a feel for the large ship, see how it would be to fly it. No, Jack told himself as he mentally rooted his feet to his spot, he was here for a reason. He moved forward.

Approaching the center chair, the conn officer was surprised to see the head, then the shoulders, torso and body of Admiral Cowell, the Starfleet Chief of Staff. The Admiral was the Arizona's next CO? "Hey Admir-" It was then that Jack noticed the man's uniform and pips. "I mean, Captain. Sorry, sir, I thought, well, it doesn't matter. Lieutenant Jack Mantell here, ready to serve and fly."

"Ain't you suppose to fly first, then serve? How else are people going to get their food? And when the hell did we start giving Mess Cooks commissions? Putting all that aside, Junior, where's your parents? Who let a toddler run loose on my ship? Didn't you people get the memo there'd be no fucking on my boat? Damn pregnancies ruined the damn military..." the old man rattled off on some nonsensical tangent.

Jack blinked for a minute, trying to make sense of the old man's flurry of assumptions. Someone had once mentioned that Admiral Cowell had a few loose bolts in the head, an assertion that Jack would probably agree with now. "Uhh, well, I'm actually here to fly the boat, sir," Jack began, not really sure if the Admiral, no, Captain actually knew about the new personnel coming aboard. The boy added with a slight grin, "If you want food, I'll need a bump in pay, or some extra holodeck hours."

"As for me," the Miran continued, explaining his species for the second time that day, "I don't have parents. My file explains it all, but the short version is long life, slow aging, and I look like this with a bunch of medical terms thrown in for good measure."

"Miran..." Nathan grumbled, "So that's why you look like you should be in kindergarten still... Well damn the bad luck. Your request for a pay raise is denied, boy. You're going to have to pay for the food on your meager salary. Holodeck hours... we can probably work that out. Ain't like I can't find my jollies in a book any faster than the holodeck. Takes less work to read a book too. So... you're a pilot, eh? Hear that, Paul? This kid's your new boss. You've got diaper patrol."

"Lovely..." Lieutenant Akron muttered within earshot of Lt. Marion, who gave him a quick jab to the ribs.

Diaper patrol? Well, that was a new one, though it certainly topped 'illogical' and 'irrelevant' as the highest insults from the Seleya's crew. So this was the game here? Insult each other as much as possible. Alright then, Cowell, the boy thought, game on. "Diaper patrol, Lieutenant -uhh, Paul was it?- for the old man here. I don't miss, and my bed is always dry. Something tells me that he'll be needing them a lot sooner than I will."

Nathan scoffed at the boy's paltry offering, "Son, I've pulled better stuff out of my ass while piss drunk. If you want to hang with the big boys, you need to start hitting the books. Akron, go ahead and take the rest of the day off. Junior here needs to get some seat time. Oh, and before you go, go replicate a booster seat for him. I don't think the poor kid could see over the lip of the panel without it. And don't forget his sippy cup. Wouldn't want the kid to get a case of the crab ass."

Lt. Akron couldn't help but chuckle as he swiveled around and vacated his post.

"Any preference on juice for your sippy cup, Lieutenant?" Paul risked the continuation of the gag. The smirk on the Captain's face told him he'd not overstepped the joke just yet.

"Jungle, and lots of it," the youth replied blank-faced to his new subordinate. He brushed past the junior lieutenant, taking the chair at the helm station. Across from him, the Ops Lieutenant pretended not to take notice, but Jack could see a smile forming on her lips. Jack looked down at his console, trying to remember the focusing techniques that Captain T'Prev had taught him.

"So where should I plot course to, Captain?" the boy inquired, finally looking up from the console. He was impressed with the amount of control given to the conn, but Jack was trying to control what was displayed on his face. Right now it was the stoic face of Lieutenant S'vok, the stern, no-nonsense Tactical Officer of the Seleya. "The moons of Nibia? Iconia? How about up your ass to rescue Lieutenant Akron's head?"

"No where, for the moment. Haven't gotten an assignment for us yet. How about you just try to find your own head up your own ass and pull it out. I hear the air is thin up there," Nathan said, getting up from his chair, "Just figure out how this boat works for the time being. Liz, keep the kid straight while I go take a nap."

"Aye, sir," Marion couldn't help but smirk.

The blond-haired boy gave the Ops officer a sidelong glance from the station next to her. Since stoic hadn't worked, Jack shifted to the classic Vulcan inquisitive look, complete with a raised eyebrow that had taken two years to train. "He always like this?" Jack asked, jerking his head towards the occupied Ready Room.

"Oh, don't even get started..." Marion returned at the Miran Lieutenant.

Jack assured the woman, "Oh, I'm not." Then his composed face dissolved into a boyish grin. "This was just the warm up."

Lieutenant Marion simply rolled her eyes in response, and turned back to her work.