Despair and Other Emotions

Posted on Tue May 10th, 2011 @ 11:52am by Lieutenant Xylia Lischka

Mission: Shore Leave 2; Picking Up the Pieces
Location: Various
Timeline: Folowing 'Remembering Those For Whom History May Yet Forget'

Xylia walked out of the shuttlebay once the service was over, avoiding the gaze of those she passed along the way. She knew she looked rough on the outside, but that was nothing compared to what was going on on the inside. Dispair. Hurt. Anger. Regret. Emotions she was familiar with, and felt them individually almost daily, but she felt them all as a whole only once before. Twelve years ago, to be exact.

Losing her mother had been a terrible blow. It was the very reason she began acting out and rebelling against her father who turned to the bottle to cope. The way she saw it... he was too distraught to care for her the way he should have. She couldn't really blame him now, though, when all she wanted was to drown her own sorrows in a bottle of booze and forget what just took place over the last couple of days. Given the circumstances, that wasn't likely to happen with the state the ship was in. There was much to be done, and hopefully, that would be enough to keep her mind off of the things that plagued her so.

Her mind drifted back to the event that just took place only moments before as she moved almost robotically down the still damaged corridor. So many coffins rested within the shuttlebay. Lives of those who were no stranger to the life of Starfleet officers, while others, so young and inexperienced, were just starting out. The one thing all of them had in common was the fact that they would never live to see another day. They would never smile again. Never cry. Never see their loved ones again.

It was that knowledge that allowed the Lieutenant Junior Grade to shed the first tear since everything took place, and it was a tear she hoped no one else would witness. While some were sure to view her as a callous bitch due to things she sad in the past, she was only human and suffered from very human emotions.

Ducking into an alcove away from prying eyes, she brought her hands to her face and finally let out everything she fought so hard to keep in. Death was never an easy thing no matter how often one was prone to witnessing it, and she knew there would be much more to come in the future. It was a possibility that everyone joining the Academy knew would be there, but it definitely didn't make it any easier on those who were left behind.

Her mind played the shuttlebay scene in her mind on repeat from the beginning up until the moment the last coffin was given to space.

Xylia let out a broken sob, no longer caring if anyone caught her during a moment of weakness. She didn't want to fight it anymore. She didn't want to hold it in to the point she felt as though she would burst. Her need to let it out was currently taking precedence over anything else. She found herself asking the one question that she knew no one would ever be able to answer. Why did good people have to die, when there were still so many horrible ones lurking around tainting everyone's existence?

Reaching into her pocket and producing a tissue she knew she would need at some point, she wiped at her still tearing eyes. Her mind came to a halt on that one coffin... that one coffin that was so much different than the rest of them. The one that contained the body of the man she had gotten to know fairly well over recent weeks. Xylia still couldn't believe he was gone. She cared for Aiden on a level that was much different than the way she cared for others on the ship, and definitely did not want to see any harm come to him, but it was too late for that. He and the others, like thousands before, would eventually become nothing more than a memory in time.

Ugh... sometimes life just wasn't fair.

The brunette woman slipped back out of the alcove, hopefully going as unnoticed as she had when she slipped in, and continued on her way. Sure, there was work to be done, and she would get to that just as soon as she handled something a little more personal first. A detour before gathering up a team of people who would help her get the Security offices back in working order. It was at that moment that she came to realize that while life was an incredibly fragile thing... those left behind had to continue on. Business as usual.

Xylia wasn't too sure how long she had been walking, her mind reeling from everything that had taken place recently, but she found herself standing in front of her destination. For some reason, the door didn't seem the same any longer. Perhaps that was because their was no one on the other side to greet her as their once was. She let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding, then got the door opened and slipped inside the darkened quarters. The only thing she came to get ran toward her, bouncing around frantically at the sight of someone familiar.

"I know. I know." She said softly, crouching down to rub the canine behind his ears. "I know you and Apollo will get along just fine."

Pressing a kiss to Chance's head, she get to her feet and reached for his leash, attaching it to his collar. If anyone had an issue with her taking the dog, she would deal with that when the time came, but she absolutely refused to let him remain here alone to fend for himself. Having him near would help her as much as it would help him, too. For her, it would be like having a piece of a fallen hero with her, and for him, being with someone familiar would make the transition so much easier.

"Come on. Let's go home."

And with that, she and the dog were on their way back to her own quarters where she would settle him in before getting back to work.